What If Healing Is The Point?

This hasn't been the easiest season for our family...

It seems as if every faucet of Rob and I's life has been a little bit harder lately. Parenting has been a little bit harder, financially harder, personally been harder, careers have been a little harder, physically has been harder. All the while I keep having this nagging thought in my head that if only I could get past my own emotionally baggage I could help my family get where we need to be.

I kept feeling the quilt and shame build as I saw myself as the weakest link in my family. I didn't realize until recently that I was becoming my own bully.

With thoughts such as:

Kenz are you really going to be anxious again today? Kenzie are you really going to another counseling appointment? You have a whole To Do list to get through. Kenz I can't believe you are starting to shut down and disassociate again, come on get over it. Really Kenz, more tears? You got angry over that, seriously?

On and on this thoughts would come. And they wouldn't come alone, they always brought their friends frustration and defeat.

They always had the last say, making sure I was left with the "only if" statements.

It was like the more I would try and heal and process the different areas of my life I knew God wanted to work and heal the more of a problem it became. I was more aware. These areas took more mental and physical energy it seemed to address. In some ways I felt like I was experiencing the wounding twice.

I was having coffee with a friend when I told her that life has felt extra heavy lately and I told her, "I just don't want healing to feel like a punishment anymore." She took a second, nodding her head, and said, "but Kenz what if healing is the point? Healing isn't a distraction from what God has for you, it is exactly what God has for you."

I sipped my honey latte letting her words sink in, and honestly they are still settling two weeks later.

I left still processing her words of encouragement about healing not being the distraction but the point, and that God doesn't want our completed to do list but for us to abide with Him. All things that I know to be true but for some reason, in this season of life, they are just hard to grasp.

So instead of throwing myself into more tasks I began to give myself pockets of silence, the car is one of my favorite spots. And I told Go, "Ok God, this is me abiding, I'm not distracted, I'm only going to think about you. I know I'm not awesome at this but here I go."

And I just started thinking about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. I started thinking about His character and had different chapters of the bible come to mind. It was in the middle of one of those abiding pockets that it did click, that healing isn't new to God at all, it's literally the point.

So let me break down my point just a little bit.

Jesus performed many miracles in his 33 years on earth as a man. He has about 37 recorded healing miracle experiences where he healed one or more people. That's about 3 healings of one or more people a month for the three years of his ministry!

So as I was asking God, why am I not over this hurt? Why can't I be better? Why am I not fully healed?

A small part of my brain asked, "isn't that exactly what Jesus does? He heals? Why are you angry at the miracle he is working?"

And because this is who my brain works I answered myself back, thanks external processing. My first thought was, "Well why doesn't he heal me like the others? Why can't it be immediate? Why is it taking so long?"

And honestly this is what blew my mind a little bit.

As I was reflecting on what Jesus' healing ministry looked like, and a little jealous of the instantaneous fixes, I realized that Jesus' timing with the miracles made it that much more a miracle.

Nothing was instant back in 30 A.D., your home, your food, your clothes, your everything was a process to complete and enjoy. For the average individual you had to sacrifice time in order to get the thing you desired.

So as well as the gifting of a physical healing during the miracle Jesus also gave his people the gift of time. He flipped the script of what the norm was. In a culture where everything was slower, he gave them the immediate.

So what is God doing today? He is still flipping the script.

In a world where we are surrounded by the quick and easy, where we are accustomed to the convenient, God is showing us what it is like to experience the steadfast.

Yes Jesus could and still does miracle healing in the blink of an eye, I've seen it.

But that isn't the healing he is trying to show me in this season.

Instead He is walking with me as I dig through all the junk that I've buried for years, the anger, bitterness, fear, abandonment, abuse, my own sin and He still walk with me.

In a time where we see people take the easy way out, where people choose not to stay through the hard he says, "Watch me stay, and watch me experience each step with you."

He is showing us what it means, what it looks like to be faithful and unwavering.

In a world where being faithful is rare He is leaving a remnant of it in His people through their healing.

"For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:9-10 NLT

He isn't prolonging your healing as a punishment or to force you to be faithful. He is intimately showing you just how faithful and steadfast he is. It is by resting in His faithfulness that our faith grows, because in all things, it starts with Him.

I'll leave you with some room to process friends but I want to leave you with some questions.

• Do you feel like your healing is a distraction? If so, from what?

• Why is it hard to believe that healing is the point not a determent?

• Have you ever thought about God walking in step with you through your healing?

• Has faithfulness and steadfastness been a rarity in your life?

• How can we as believers show faithfulness and hope in our lives?